Snow.

Daisy and I walked out of the cold into the cold of my student house.

The air around had a definitive weight to it. So much so that the opening of the back door now enforced a phantom influence on the living room. I guess the wind is heavier.

I seem to have been floating around on this cloud for some time, she said. It has continually lost matter but not relevance. The last thing I wish to accomplish is glorifying his ego (all this time on). I almost told him so much this week.
The informed response in her mind was that if she had done, he would have rejected her either by complete ignorance or with malice in his speech. However, the promise of hope one day coming true and fulfilling the dream she had left so long ago was too much to let go of. She'd never be truthful about the truth of the matter. She couldn't if she tried.

"The balance is so precise, you see. If I talk to him then I will finally know. If I don't...then I will never know, and this mental anguish will persist".

(Surely those outcomes are one and the same).
What anguish? (Delusion, I muttered).

"That what was then could now be so different".

Or the same...

"Yes but-". It was at this point my mind numbed. The conversation was tedious and inevitably hopeless. Hope is hopeless, I thought. Hope only exists in the mind of the person who is hoping. Hope is too often coupled with some grand illusion that the world, or people, are in a different state than how they actually are.
The trouble was that the idea provided her with some happiness. It was not for me to shatter, it was for him.

"You see, things have changed. I mean, it's almost 2010 now. A new decade. I'll be moving soon, and things will change further". (That would be superb other than these changes were further distortions that hope was manipulating).

(The source of her woes was unlikely to be the solution. Though in her mind, the source was love.
Love?
Love.
She believed in love and hope, and all of the sugary things force-fed to us as children. At her age! Still, I find it more than difficult to feel disdain for such childish fantasy. It does have an appeal, even for the cynic).

The intensity of first love is said to taint all future relations.
The crazed and manic episodes of melodrama; arguments are the end of the world, and kisses are the beginning. Each day the world is reincarnated and it is difficult to grasp an existence whereby each day simply is. It seems lesser.

"But is it as simple as that? Can we really diminish relationships to first, second, third, etc? When did the race begin and is there an end? Surely it would become a matter of stamina in that instance? I do not believe feelings should be reduced in a cooking pot of belittlement. You feel how you do. Some may say you're foolish, others would say you're wise. It depends on the person's own experiences, as they invariably feel that you should live their life. We are not all entirely similar..."

I suppose, but then, the general consensus overrules, does it not?

"It shouldn't. People know how they feel and such emotions should not be meddled with. The majesty of growing old is tuning into your own thoughts and emotions.
Do you believe in soulmates?"

I, uh...I don't know.

"Well, I do. It's corny. Sometimes life is. Short of the romances in great novels you're unlikely to come across a tale of love that isn't in part corny.
People are stubborn, and cold. Personally, my heart has felt enough cold in its time. It could very well be that my decisions are eternally erroneous. I abandoned once, just as I may try to re-enact. Both may be mistakes but if I do not try then what am I to do otherwise?"

Just carry on?

"Carry on?"

Well, you'll meet somebody new. I know people say this but it DOES happen.

"And what then? To be dissatisfied WITH someone? I'd sooner live thoughtless than emotionless".

The trouble with passion is that its expression lives only in the moment...
When this moment has flown from sight there is but a husk of experience that dwells within our minds, which has a tendency to feel it has once again caught a glimpse of what once filled it. Hope has a high affinity for this husky body.

Daisy and I agreed to disagree. There were too many arguments taking place already.
Neither of us knew the answer, and it would take another 10 years to find them out.
How different this conversation would have been...unfortunately those 10 years still have not come to be.

It's possible this was her goodbye dialogue to the soulmate she did not know anymore.
I'm not very subtle at times...I still see Daisy floating by on that cloud of hers except I know there's nothing beneath her and perhaps look at her oddly.

I believe, sadly, that she needs to let go of that cloud.