Under every homosexual is a pair of Calvin Klein's.

I began to question the feelings I had been so sure of; the anger I held, and its source. I became very aware that the anger was not because of the bad we had shared, but because of the good, and their demise. I had never felt so loved before and I hated him because of it. I had entered the dearest light of humanity and no longer held my shadow - because someone else had taken it from me. It had belonged to another person.

As I gazed out from the Waterloo line train from Reading to Clapham Junction I dissipated into a fluid and felt myself extend out into new cracks and grooves in the flooring of my thoughts. The man opposite me looked with some confusion as I typed a message into my phone that would never be read. I thought back to how now 5 years ago I used to travel on this route for myself, and nobody else.
It became apparent in an instant that each of us are born with death from the day we are given life. We must hold it and carry it wherever we go until we see it manifest.

Then, the burdens of life and the delicate balance between trust and self-defence emerged. How a person must be open enough to talk but never reveal the "worst" of themselves.

"I love you, SO much". Before leaving Reading I gave this utterance loudly, and upon reflection realised I had the same capabilities as those around me. I grasped the concept of a seemingly inhuman human loving behind closed doors.
There are things unshared by all people until they are unable to present these insecurities and moments they performed. We're born inside death and carry it throughout life until we bestow this gift unto those around us. The possibility of regret is too intense, just as the possibility of hurt is. So where do we find the balance?

Just recently I have noticed the straight community commenting on the gay community; noting the things I resent, and so the horrors of the promiscuity and inability to enter or retain a healthy relationship become somewhat of an apparent "fact".
The curious yet accurate hesitant assumptions of the gay community when I was 17 years old in London are now more of a truth than ever.
Are we destined to conceal a pair of Calvin Klein's; displaying only the brand name, or will we ever surpass this lonely lifestyle?

I do wonder if James's friend was correct.
I wonder if my wonderings have been correct for all of this time.
Will there come a point where things are happier? When I can be honest with another, and for them to reciprocate. No ties, no board games, or hidden cards up designer sleeves.

This next year is going to be interesting.